Precinct13

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Missing Chief

Faith and it looks like we're going to have to search for the Daveman again. His disappearance is very strangely coincidental to his losing his foot. Well, now, sure and we don't know he's lost his foot, after all, we've lost the whole blasted Daveman, we have.

Sure and there'll be more updates as the need warrants.

Report filed 05:48 am by Officer; Da Big Cheese
Make a Report/Complaint * Hard Copy

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Guido's Sausage

Faith and ‘tis Officer O’Cheese talkin’ to ya today. I resent the idea that some people have purported that this office is, in any way, connected with some sort of blog mafia. ‘Tis a bunch of blarney is all, to be shore. Just because our dear, sweet, almost sainted chief of police may have a lot of friends that are well-connected doesn’t make him or that sweet-son-of-a-guido of his, a criminal. But I must be askin’ meself, where did that boy get that sausage?

Report filed 11:58 am by Officer; Da Big Cheese
Make a Report/Complaint * Hard Copy

Friday, February 03, 2006

Todays Other Illegalities

STOLEN BLOG TEMPLATES

One Blog Drive resident, Seige, reported the theft of a top secret Blog Template he had been working on for an un-named party. Witnesses were interviewed and an arrest was made. Our investigators determined Seige stole it to collect on the insurance. His client would have paid $1,520 but he opted to try to collect the insurance valued at $15.20. When asked why he did this, Seige answered, "It seemed like a good thing to do at the time. Of course you gotta remember I had just downed a couple vicodin at the time..."

MADONNA BRA FECES MIRACLE INVESTIGATED

Thousands went to the view the miracle rat feces shaped like Madonna's Bra, and demanding the Pope beautify Madonna for two miracles related to this event somehow. The Pope rejected it citing that .. "(a) No one can beautify Madonna not with an army of plastic surgeons and (b) while it is a miracle she still has a mega million dollar career at her age, thats not the order of miracles they observe. They do windows shapes, peanuts, the occasional potato chip but not rat feces. Thats just down right gross". Our officers determined that the miracle feces was a hoax anyway. It was actually bubblegum fashioned into two conjoined cones and painted brown.

LOCAL THUG RELEASED

An accused local thug was released today after being accused of stealing some loose change off the sidewalk with a drunk passed out beside it. Police chief Daveman stepped in and in his investigation determined that the body was already there when Guido Jr, happened to find the loose change, and in fact did not notice the drunk. The lifted wallet was an accident too and could happened to anyone. Findings have nothing to do with false claims Guido Jr, and Police Chief Daveman being related.

STOLEN BICYCLES RECOVERED / UNCLAIMED

Blog Police Cruisers when to the BlogDrive residence known as, Rob-n-Pen, on a stolen bicycles report. Officers found some really odd bicycles with fruits on the seats! When this news hit the street, gay protesters shown up, very irate over the stigmatism caused by this imagery. No arrests were made because the former owners declined knowledge of these strange looking bikes. Law suits pending.

Report filed 07:41 am by Officer; Daveman
(1) Stool Pigeon * Hard Copy

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

The First Day of Illegalities

Missing Man Found

Man reported missing for five days was found naked in a tree cawing with the crows, five-hundred miles from home with a bumper sticker across his butt which read, "I only break for dead raccoons and joggers". The man (name with-held) doesn't know what happened during that those five days but swears he wont drink another two day old McDonalds regular coffee again.

Man Makes Date

Patrolmen were called on man who made a date - out of legos. Sadly there is nothing illegal about that so after a severe beating about the neck and legs, patrolmen left the scene without mishap and no arrest.

Blog Abuse - Insidious Offense

An arrest was made earlier today when officers responded to a call concerning a malnourished blog. No updates for several months leaving said blog emaciated and longing for attention. Identity of blog owner with-held pending notification of next of kin to publicly shame them as well. Later same day subject was released to his own custody with promise to update said blog soon as possible.

Dr Evil's Nephew, Suspected of Attempted World Domination

The bald evil genius, Dr Evil's nephew, was accused today of attempting world domination when an Blog Policeman uncovered evidence said nephew was in the process of building a warhead filled with ripe baby diapers. No arrests have been made in this case, pending further investigation. The missile was shaped like a..., A Missile. Duh!

Report filed 05:32 pm by Officer; Daveman
(1) Stool Pigeon * Hard Copy